Noon is the start of the World Cup. The day when handballs will be bygones, talk of a 33rd team is no more and 32 countries play an international “Pick 4” Lottery. Watching Sepp Blatter pull out ping-pong ball out of four pots? Sounds like a regular party right? Well keep in mind I’m one of those guys who dedicated 15 hours in a weekend to watch the NFL draft from the likes of Jamarcus Russell and Alex Smith all the way to Ramzee Robinson and Ryan Hoag (yes I knew two Mr. Irrelevant draft picks by heart, from Alabama and Gustuvus Aldolphus in case you were wondering, which you weren’t). Well this is even more exciting, not to mention shorter.
With the global and nationalist meaning behind the World Cup, the
draw can make all the difference. You think a team like the Ivory Coast (Côte d'Ivoire as they would say, apparently there “is no translation”), who stopped a civil war for the Cup in 2006 wouldn’t love to be in a group with New Zealand and Slovenia over Mexico and France? Sure they relish a challenge but if it allows them to get to the knockout stages, they would be ecstatic.It’s a lottery effecting literally billions, and its not exactly if its just one winner. The draw is just like the draft in that it gives hope to all 32 nations. Oh, and did I mention Charlize Theron is supposed to be involved in the proceedings?
Live blog it? Why not?
12:00:Why can I only see the first 30 seconds of Washington/Texas Tech basketball? If Bradon Roy and Nate Robinson still made up the backcourt it’d be a different story, but now I need to see some ping-pong balls. (Blogger's Note: Looking back the final few minutes of that game were far superior to 98% of the draw)
12:02: Bob Ley breaking out the commentary, ESPN breaking out the big guns.
And at this point I had to abandon the live blogging, all of two minutes in. Big headphones and a computer draw ridicule from even your friends when at lunch. Despite attempted media blackout I, as usual, failed but only found out the seeded team in the group for the USA. I won’t spoil it, unless some overwhelmingly witty title for this post came too mind and in that case, you will already have the surprise spoiled. Anyway, back to pseudo-replay live blogging, as I have not seen the actual telecast yet. Time-stamping will have to be abandoned in place of stamping just how far I am into the ESPN360 video.
1:00 – Gone was the Bob Ley I heard before replaced by some chick on a mountain. That’s right, a freaking mountain! At this point I expect all the pageantry of an Olympic Opening Ceremony, only inside a theatre. It could be epic.
3:00 – Well there goes that, production values have just dipped into PBS range. I hear a British announcer speaking softly under the audio of some dude playing a guitar. Then his appearance is on stage in front of a shot of scenery. They cut to him dancing and playing his guitar and the green screening and dancing all is too reminiscent of a commercial for a Wiggles sing-a-long.
4:00 – The native dancers are a nice touches even though the song they’re sounds like the least popular single on an album by Asia.
5:45 – The South African’s ace in the hole is certainly Nelson Mandela, a great an inspirational man. Plus he’s being played by Morgan Freeman in a movie, the man who is pretty much typecast as the voice of God. Enough said. His speech is likely one of the only times throughout this I will close the blog and make the video full screen on my computer.
8:00 – Well said by an aged Mandela on the importance of the World Cup coming to Africa, but the simultaneous British announcer is back. The in house announcer is showing all kinds of enthusiasm announcing Sepp Blatter and the South African President, Jacob Zuma. Sign this guy up for the AND1 African tour.
10:00 – President just predicted an African victory, followed by Blatter spitting some game at the hostess. “It’s easy to fall in love with Africa, when I see you. Definitely.” Get at me Sepp!
11:00 – Big focus on Africa getting their first World Cup. I’m not sure the long legacy of soccer on the whole continent after this, but it is definitely a big accomplishment for them.
13:00 – I’m not sure Blatter understands exactly when his points are supposed to be made. The Italian FA President is standing there waiting to return the return the trophy looking very confused as Blatter reads off the names supporting an education plan FIFA has presented for the world.
15:00 - Italian FA makes short statement, the forced use of English seems to have limited him, but expresses confidence in retaining the trophy. The beauty of the draw, right now every nation is confident. Though I do have to say President Zuma has one of the best laughs I’ve heard in a while.
16:00 – English is most likely not Blatter’s first language but he honestly seems incompetent. He did not know the World Cup was kicking off in Johannesburg. This man is the FIFA president, always good.
23:00 – A little kid in some “History of Football” piece just “mistook “a Brazilian player saying, “look, an African.” Not sure how that’s going to go over.
25:00 – The book they’re flipping through in the piece has videos on the pages. Show me a scrapbooking class that teaches you that.
28:00 – Always a redeeming endorsement of my major choice when a big part of FIFA’s development program in Africa is improving broadcasting.
30:00 –I see a microphone on this singer from Benin but I hear something that looks nothing like what her mouth is doing. She could be singing or could be even worse at hiding she is not than Ashlee Simpson. Remind me never to try and read the lips of singers from Benin again. At least we know that Africa’s musical taste is only 25 years behind the curve. Either that Raffi would still be an international sensation. (Blogger's Note: Didn't realize at the time the Raffi actually is from Africa. Crazy.)
34:00: Charlize Theron’s first appearance, definitely an improvement over her look from Monster. By far one of the most exciting parts of the pre-selection show, even though she seems unsure of exactly what she is saying and clearly know almost nothing about soccer.
38:00 – They keep calling out the random former players in the crowd but they say nothing and just smile for 2 seconds before going back to the stage.
39:00 – The mascot appears not to have gotten the memo about when he was to make his appearance. Ok, there he is, now on the stage looking more like a Robot Chicken sketch than good CGI. Though I am intrigued to see what happens when all this big African animals play soccer.41:00 – This is looking like the most epic Budweiser Superbowl ad of all time. The Lion making a save and Zebra free kick wall were legit.
45:00 – I’m assuming that was the debut of the official match ball, and it is pretty legit. It also has a Zulu name, which I pretty sweet I guess.
47:00 – This montage of people in different professions can do nothing to convince me it’s not an advertisement for ITT Tech. At least they followed it up with their interpretation of what I can best tell is Guys and Dolls.
51:00 – Charlize said they won a Grammy. Way to go guys, but most importantly we finally have the “draw-master.” Nice and intimidating nickname, I wonder if that’s what his friends call him at home.
52:00 – “The Drawmaster” gets the double cheek kiss from Miss Theron and the crowd heckles him for it, very nice. Get some Drawmaster, get some.
1:01:00 – All the celebrities are out, personal favorite has to be Beckham coming out to Charlize’s, “Hey sweetheart.” Oh, Hollywood. Also the great John Smith will be drawing first.
1:04:00- After a lengthy explanation of rules an regulations that matter in some overly staged dialogue between the Drawmaster and Charlize which I will instead just link to, we finally have a team drawn and…what a shock! South Africa is team A1! Oh wait, that was already known? Well whatever. At least we have Ethiopian marathon runners in crazy white and gold outfits, and quite frankly, that’s all you need.
1:04:30 – Nothing matters much in the first pot drawing. Sure location matters, but I cannot know off the top of my head so thus its just naming groups at this point.
1:06:00 – Italy is in Cape Town first, finally I learn something!
1:07:00 – John Smith continues his luck and South Africa draws Mexico, by far the happiest team at this point, plus they draw the opening match as well.
1:08:30 – Maradona draws 2002 semi-finalist, South Korea. By far the stronger Korea. Two of the weaker teams are yet to come in this pot, Korea DPR and New Zealand.
1:09:00 – Throw the tea overboard, one if by land, two if by sea, its USA v. England AND it’s the opening match of Group C. Well if the US weren’t going to draw South Africa, very little mattered anymore, at least the toughest game is first before any more injury or Yellow Card trouble for them.
The Drawmaster did just bring up the USA upset of England in 1950, but confused the hell out of Charlize in the meantime. Keep up with the smooth talk Mr. Drawmaster; it’s bound to work out. Between Captain Drawmaster and Sepp Blatter, the FIFA officials are doing some serious work.1:10:00 – Australia to Germany and the Drawmaster continues to woo Charlize with his knowledge of previous World Cup groupings.
1:12:00 – New Zealand Italy, Charlize still craving more knowledge and the Drawmaster steps in a little closer. Brazil draws the Korea DPR and Honduras is going to Spain’s group, a repeat of 1982 the drawmaster tells us.
1:14:00 – Nigeria is draw and joins Korea and Argentina because South Africa cannot take an African team. Ivory Coast goes into group G for some reason and the USA/England lands Algeria, which is a nice relief as they appear the weakest African team not hosting the tournament, though the did defeat Egypt to get here, and that’s an accomplishment.
1:17:00 – Finally South Africa has a new opponent and its Uruguay. Charlize, now bored with the drawmaster, turned to Beckham as he draws the pot numbers. Ghana is now headed in with Australia and Germany. Potential group of death depending on Pot D team. France or Portugal and it is on.
1:18:00 – Cameroon is with Netherlands and all the African teams are drawn. Paraguay draws Italy and gets them to open as well. Chile is with Spain and Honduras and Charlize is non-responsive to the Drawmaster and his unending humor of their common Spanish language.
1:20:00 – The true telling of Group of Death is the second European team. France to South Africa and the hosts look dead in the water going into the tournament.
1:21:30 – The Greeks to Argentina’s group and it looks like a very well rounded group, as the music in the background grows more and more intense.
1:22:00 – The always-happy Ethiopian marathoner draws the US well, giving Group C Slovenia. Dangerous yes, but very young as well.
1:23:00 – Serbia to Germany’s group and that may well still be the death group. Denmark to the Dutch group, Slovakia to Italy, Portugal to Brazil and that has three top teams, and the North Koreans, it was nice having you. At least Kim Jong Il has a golf career to fall back on.
1:26:00 – The Swiss to Spain’s group and the draw is complete. Group D and Group G look toughest on first glance, but who knows come June.
1:28:00 – The two athletes actually in this world cup are diplomatic, though Boothe, the South African defender promises if nothing else a loud exit with 90,000 of those freaking horns. At least John Smith is as cocky as you could expect a rugby guy to be, claiming the South African group is tough, but “will provide good practice for the semi-finals and finals.” Got to love the modesty.
1:29:00 – The drawmaster, seeing his window of opportunity closing goes for the arm-around on Charlize with the response of an awkward laugh. Ouch. I hate to crash and burn with nobody watching. 200 million people?
Now that’s a tough one.1:30:00 – Charlize says “I’m going to take you with me,” completing the fantasy of the Drawmaster, who now has very little left to do with this world cup. At least he’s got the sweet nickname to keep him going.
FINE! If you’ve honestly slogged through the last 2100 or so words you deserve a prize. No really. I’ll have more detailed analysis of the World Cup later, but for right now nothing else much can be said. If you failed to follow that jibberish above here's a more easily digestible view of the groups. The Boys in the Stars & Stripes drew England but an otherwise favorable group and my other favorite team, Côte d'Ivoire drew what will undoubtedly go down as the Group of Death with Portugal and Brazil in addition to what is widely regarded as the strongest African side. North Korea looks dead in the water, but it their leaders athletic prowess can go untapped till his first round of golf you never know what magic they’ll find come June in South Africa.
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