As seen in the April 12 edition of The Heights, Boston College's Independent Newspaper
The Masters is the first sign that golf is actually here. It’s the start of spring, and watching it sure makes you think, “This is the year I get my handicap down to single digits.”
It’s not.
Still, the drama of Amen Corner and the green jacket is too good to pass up. Do a running diary? Why not?
Over-Under on number of Tiger jokes: 4.5
4:48 p.m.: KJ Choi clearly does not care about playing with Tiger for all four days, as the man is playing out of his mind. Plus, Choi used to be a competitive power lifter, so he’s got that going for him, which is nice.
4:53 p.m.: I’m loving the fact that Freddy Couples has no back, is wearing slippers, and still blasts the ball over 300 yards.
He is one of my favorite golfers. He seems like the kind you could just hang out with during a tailgate and slug a couple of Natty’s. You know, if it weren’t weird drinking 50-cent beers with a 50-year-old pro
golfer who’s made millions. Your call.
4:55 p.m.: Phil Mickelson is now forced to punch out from deep in the shrubbery, somewhere I find myself way too often. That’s what makes golf so much fun … Never mind, Phil nearly greened it. Let’s just say I wouldn’t have.
5:03 p.m.: Couples in the water -- that could spell the end. Right Said Fred
with the wrong shot choice there. Tough to go for that pin with a Sunday placement on the water-filled 12th.
5:09 p.m.: So Eldrick Woods just hit a shot from in the trees that kept him in the trees. Second shot? Tiger then hit it through the branches to within eight feet. The man is not human.
5:14 p.m.: The short stick has been killing everybody today – except KJ. He could wind up with a three-stroke victory before anyone notices. Anthony Kim has also been rolling them in, making a late run sending my friend Hirsh into an absolute roar. He loves him some AK.
5:19 p.m.: The Phil collapse hasn’t happened. Maybe it’s the fact he’s looking trim. The need for a manziere is minimal ... at least this week.
5:24 p.m.: Hirsh was just awoken to a frightening volume by Anthony Kim’s eagle and proceeded to break out a caddie-level awkward fist pump in celebration. Kim now sits at 11-under after two birdies and that eagle. He’s one behind Choi and Phil but will post his number early and apply the pressure.
5:27 p.m.: Whoever made the decision to put a mic on Tiger is a genius. We just got a solid, “God! Ti-Ger!!” Almost as good as yesterday’s, “Tiger Woods, you suck.” Talking in the third person just sounds ridiculous. Popko’s ready for some more Tiger sound bites.
5:35 p.m.: Anthony Kim is absolutely unconscious with his putter. Drained it from about 20. Hirsh’s phone is now blowing up with congratulations for his boy’s success. The level of one-sided bromance is at an all-time high. I’m starting to feel this run, too.
5:36 p.m.: And AK just hit his tee shot onto the wrong hole. I should stop talking now.
5:43 p.m.: Phil and AK both in the woods, and Phil just hit the shot of his life. From behind a tree in the pine straw through a gap about four-feet wide to within five feet … for eagle. Let’s see if AK, or anyone else for that matter, has it in them to top that.
5:52 p.m.: I spoke too soon on Phil. Just missed a putt I would have taken as a gimmie. In other news, I am not 14-under at the Masters. Tiger just three-putted from eight feet, and golf’s big boys are leaving strokes on the green.
6:08 p.m.: Anthony Kim drains a 15-footer for par on 18 -- the man put on a putting clinic today, shooting a 65 -- and posts t
he clubhouse lead of 12-under. Only problem is Phil is two strokes ahead, and he and Westwood are on the par 5, 15th that Tiger just put home an eagle on. It’s looking like AK is going to need some luck. Hirsh is slightly more subdued now.
6:16 p.m.: At this point, it’s Phil’s tournament to lose, but he has choked before. He probably still has nightmares about Winged Foot. Hirsh thinks he’ll pull it out, and I think he has one more epic choke job in him, but it’s tough to see it coming today. I’d love to see him come back to AK, but honestly, Westwood is the only one who can catch him, and he had the look of defeat on his face six holes ago. There are just not enough streaking golfers out on the course at this point.
6:19 p.m.: Lee Westwood also cannot putt, Phil’s lead is three, and I’m going to have to call it. The water on 16 and a Westwood ace is about all that could change that right now. No matter what, Lee is guaranteed another great finish. He has gone second, third, third in the past three majors. That, that is insane.
6:33 p.m.: The final pairing goes par-par on 16, and a three-shot lead with two to play looks too tough to overcome. Phil would need to channel his inner Jean Van de Velde to lose this now.
6:35 p.m.: Tiger’s on 18, so I need to say this now: If the Masters were at Bethpage Black, is there even a chance he returns? It would be absolutely brutal. He got destroyed by masses of drunk New Yorkers for taking out an umbrella when it was raining. Become a sex addict, and he’d never stand a chance.
6:39 p.m.: Tiger finished with a 69 as America chuckles. He’s out of it. Westwood needed a miss from Phil, but no luck, as Phil is draino. Up two with just one hole left. He is about to play the most conservative hole of his life. Three wood it is.
6:53 p.m.: Westwood just misses, and needs a Phil four-putt for the win, and … nothing but the bottom of the cup. Birdie. Three-stroke win, and now it’s just signing the scorecard and time for the peoples’ champ, Angel Cabrera, to present the blazer.
7:09 p.m.: Phil is rocking an epic farmer’s tan and mullet combo, and now he has his third green jacket. What a solid four days. Very few people could be mad at Phil winning. Plus, Freddy Couples competed, and Anthony Kim had a four-hole coming-out party.
The Masters. Huge. Quickly.
